Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has enough wiper wash for 78 butterflies, after that I'm screwed!

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to keep from laughing everytime I see a shake-weight commercial.

   Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a $100,000 trip for my birthday... btw, your welcomed Obama for your birthday trip.

   A villain is feared in proportion to the quality of his henchmen.

   A Villain is judged by the quality of his henchmen.

   You can't spell slaughter without laughter!

   Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.

   Randon thots by KG: If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

   Like this status if you know someone who's only alive because you don't want to go to jail...

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with?

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   I'm surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   My temptation and my common sense are having one hell of a battle...

   ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done!

   Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.

   I hate when its dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while?" Monsters.