Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there isn't a group of stoner college kids with a Summer cleaning business called "High Maintenance" then I'm truly afraid for our next generation of leaders.

   Without ME, it's just AWESO

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Remember me? I used to be your best friend when you were single.

   I see debt people.

   I'm multi-talented, I can talk and piss you off at the same time

   I'm going to reserve judgement on the Super Committee until I see them in their costumes........

   Did you know it is physically impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time? Did you also know you're now an idiot for trying LOL

   Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position

   if you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it

   Mexican word of the day is MUSHROOM: Usage: “When all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom left.”

   I've got to stop believing everything I think.

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."

   Well that's the last time I go to the gym. My Hershey bar melted in my back pocket.

   Obviously what I was trying in the past wasn't working. So I'm doing the opposite. "My name is Andrew. I'm unemployed and I live off borrowing money from people."

   My husband wished me a happy first day this morning (the first day for the next 25 years of marriage). I suggested we go for 50 to torment the children.

   You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you

   Hey have you ever been to london,,,,,its a fU%&king RIOT..!!!

   The song London Bridge Is Falling Down now makes sense!!

   My daughter lost her first tooth today. :) That will teach that witch not to talk back! >:(