Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I win the $118.8 Million cash prize tonight I'm not going to quit work, but I am going to see just how long it takes me to get fired.

   ujlkjtrp[ishuytuibnhhgoui5tohi​uhuhu Sorry there was a spider on the keyboard :P

   there has to be more in this universe, because earth is not where I belong

   I'm happier than a retard in a bubble wrap factory ...

   Ignorance is bliss ... always keep this in mind when communicating with those you may question with the information you are about to impart upon them.

   almost got fired at work today. I think I misunderstood my boss when she said she enjoys seeing me hard at work.

   Snooki is coming out with her new line of perfume, for when you want to smell like shame, selt-tanner, and herpies.

   Holly sh*t!! Thankfully I did not invest in the stock market. I took the $2.47 I made last week and invested it all in candy.........

   I was at this girls house last night, when I accidentally knocked her tooth brush into the toilet. I reached in and grabbed it quick and put it back. Luckily. I'll never see her again.

   as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar....

   How come when women do it, they're "cougars," and when I do it, I'm "trespassing on school property"?

   they should cast Demi as Ashton's girlfriend and rename the show - 'Two and a half decades older'

   Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets. Fu*k me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   to UK Down We're not exactly thrilled with the situation ourselves after being screwed financially & legally by Europe & the US for 60 years.

   Don't let him ruin your life, he already ruined your mascara

   n't it funny that 60 years ago, the British Empire took over half the World and any people who protested were shot immediately...yet, now they can't control a bunch of rioters in their own Country?

   I'm not the kind of guy who will be an a**hole for no apparent reason. But if you cross me and give me enough reason, I'll make your life a living hell.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours.

   Last night, a car crashed into a Taco Bell by my house. Customers were shocked to hear screams and explosions that weren't coming from the bathroom.