Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that I have to take medication to stop myself from slapping people who need to take medication?

   My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! :-).

   Why are people always trying to get into shape?? Round is a shape!

   Besides seeing it on money, 'government' and 'trust' do not mix.

   Have you ever deleted a "friend?" If so, what was your rationale?

   I just watch my dog chase his own tail for 10 minutes and I was like, "Wow dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.....

   My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening

   I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.

   I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.

   A nice name for a girl would be Regrette.

   A back-up plan means your plan sucks.

   thinks that you are never too old to talk into a fan to hear your robot voice.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

   If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed.

   you ever noticed flies bother you when you don't have a flyswatter? and then you get the flyswatter and then there's none to be seen? Wth!?!

   organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.