Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks can be deceiving, so just turn around and I'll judge you by you booty

   Don't judge a book by its cover except for Facebook.

   It took 1hr 24min to watch 30 Minutes or Less.

   You wanna raise your child with no manners? Fine. But don't be mad when they're mean to my kid, and they come flying through your yard with a black eye because I punted them out of mine.

   Irony is not dead. The U.S. Embassy in Kabul wishes the people of Afghanistan a "Happy and Peaceful Independence Day."

   Penguins can't fly, and I can't fly. therefore I am a penguin

   Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.

   Blood makes you related. love makes you fam. :)

   given up! I have tried , I have fallen too many times and it hurts worse every time. I give up! It's impossible I just can no longer try......to lick my own nuts.

   If I made a clone of myself and made out with myself would it be considered gay or masterbation?

   I dont do foreplay before sex...I'm not the type of guy beat around the bush.....

   I can hear all the dogs in my neighborhood laughing their a$$es off at Michael Vick's performance tonight!! One year wonder??

   Autocorrect can kiss my ask!

   I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."

   Go ask a little kid what a VCR is. I dare you

   If she's in love with Justin Beiner, she's too young for you bro!

   would like to point out that playing violent video games never did me any harm (not so sure about those people buried under the deck, though)

   I'm so exhausted from work that I actually tried to use "The Force" to get the remote to come to me. When it didn't work I used the old Jedi Mind Trick sayin "These arent the droids your looking for give me the remote". My son did while rollin his eyes.

   When all else fails, just slap yourself in the face.

   The most powerful microscope can see the diameter of a hydrogen atom. If you look through that you still couldn't see how little I care about your drama