Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my first jobs job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

   If You Wake Me Up, & I Dont Get Angry. . . You Must Be Pretty Special

   You know it's getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you

   Facebook can destroy a relationship just as easy as it can start one.

   Stop hating, quit judging, initiate living, start loving.

   It not such a big deal when an adult doesn't like you, but when a baby doesn't like you, it's devastating !

   Don't let Facebook fool you, we're NOT friends !

   I hate it when you have to act happy & smile when you really just wanna punch that person in the face.

   eating chocolate+ shooting singing cats with my water gun= happiness

   Don't talk that sh*t on the internet, then get as quiet as a library when you see me in person.

   If more people...instead of stirring the pot, would smoke it...the world would be a happier place.

   Beauty is not make up.

   I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today ... that b*tch was seeing someone else.

   Catch her coming out the bathroom from that morning shower and give her a reason to go back in and take another one

   The guy working the Drive Thru Window was a real smarta$$. Thankfully he got my order right so at least he wasn't a real dumba$$ too.

   Not all wannabe gangster wear the pants hanging down and chase girls at the mall. Most amazingly enough, are on facebook, are middle aged and post annoying requests on my wall to play Mafia Wars.

   I'm only on FB for fun. Please stop trying to manipulate me into reposting your sappy dumba$$ status update.

   Why is it that when your not supposed to laugh everything is HILARIOUS?

   A Sunday school teacher once saw me leave a door wide open and asked "Were you born in a Barn?!" She shut up real quick when I replied "You mean like JESUS?!!!"

   What do you call a robot that wears sh1t clothes? - Optimus Primark.