Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q. What's in the toilet of the USS Enterprise? A. The Captain's log.

   Dems are more upset at Trump for walking to St. John’s church than they are at looters for trying to burn it down.

   Does anyone know if they have early morning looting hours for us seniors?

   My paperless origami business folded.

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!

   The only thing worse than not getting a joke, is being offended by one.

   Too bad Freddie Mercury was a fl@mer. He could've had any 67 year old woman in the northeastern US.

   Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   Pretending that looters, rioters, assaulters and arsonists are "peaceful protesters" does not make you look like a sympathizer. It makes you look like an id!ot..

   If the Wuhan lab had been in Vegas we wouldn't have to worry about this virus cause what happen in vegas stays in vegas

   I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel....she died

   One bad cop became the cure for Corona. Who knew?

   The same people who were making tiktok videos when quarantine started are the ones rioting now

   If someone can explain to me how stealing and destroying is a panacea for easing racial tensions, I'm all ears.

   Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

   I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

   Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

   Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.