Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

   I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub. Now I have a swimming pool.

   World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple

   The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

   People who confuse the word "burro" with "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.

   Obviously stupidity is much more contagious than Covid19

   For a year numbered 2020, it's amazing how blind some folks can be.

   Dr. Fauci said we must limit stores to 10 looters at a time.

   🎶 ...No mask on your face You big disgrace Spreadin' your germs all over the place... 🎶

   I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   I'm almost to the point of thinking that the only thing that can unite us is a Netflix show about a gay zoo owner, with a platinum blonde mullet.

   Leaders who have hidden in a bunker and gassed their own citizens include Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. 

   Remember when the dumbest thing Trump had ever said was COVFEFE... good times ...

   I can't believe it's riot season already. I still have my COVID19 decorations up.

   I've come to the conclusion that my Alexa is just another pet by how often I have to tell her no every day.

   Will the last person to leave NY remember to bring a pizza?

   You know. The world would be a happier place if everyone had the same sense of humor as the guy who named his supermarket chain Piggly Wiggly.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She has leprosy and I got tired of picking up after her.