Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing... ♪♪ Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! ♪♪

   LIFE IS LIKE A BOWL OF SOUP..... YOU ONLY GET BLOWN IF YOU'RE HOT!

   I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bott

   I truly feel yoga pants were invented to give women complete control over guys.

   FBI announced the Scarlett Johansson photos are illegal. Holly Sh*t!! That makes me Public Enemy Number One.........

   You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that's kind of the same thing.

   An old guy asks his pharmacist about V*agra. The pharmacist says it works great. The old guy asks him if he can get it over the counter. The pharmacist said yes, if he takes six.

   Fri(END), Boyfri(END), Girlfri(END), Bestfri(END). Everything has an END except...Fam(ILY)! <3 Love and take care of eachother...

   @Jesus! We come here to find funny things to show our sense of humor, not to say we wrote them ourselves. You need a personality!

   Listen seatbelt...I need you in an emergency situation, not when I reach for something in the cupholder.

   The most dangerous animal you never want to come across on the African Safari is an American tourist.

   I've decided that I'll never get down to my original weight, and I'm OK with that--After all, 6 pounds 2 oz. is just not realistic.

   A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

   It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Which proves that happy people are really f***ing lazy.

   Want people to pay more attention to you? Carry a giant axe.

   How many terrible mistakes can you make before you're officially a bad person? It's like 70, right?

   Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

   ~ Alright everyone put on your Happy Face! It's time for the HAPPY FRIDAY BOOTY SHAKE! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_\_) Have a great weekend!

   Someday, I hope to disappoint a burglar with my one and only possession. A kitchen drawer filled with Taco Bell sauce packets.