Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had a date tonight...& didnt need chloroform

   Wondering how much of my tax money was used to fuel up the marine helicopters used to bring the trainers in for the biggest loser. Now I'm paying for fat people to lose weight? Wtf!

   I can memorize twenty song lyrics before I can memorize one answer to a question on a test -_-

   Putting you're offline chat on Facebook so it actually looks like you have a life and don't sit on Facebook all day.

   I don't understand why people reward others with "brownie points." I can't eat or buy anything with those. Just bake the f*cking brownies.

   Girls ignore nice guys, Chase a$#holes, Then they have the nerve to complain about it..

   New Yorkers get such a bad rap for being rude. I was visiting relatives in Manhattan, and some guy walked up to me and asked, "Excuse me,can you tell me how to get to the Empire State Building, or should I just go f**k myself?"

   Sunglasses; they allow you to stare at people without being caught..

   it would be pretty sweet if reposts came with audio set to the Price is Right Losing Horn.

   When I see some people on Twitter/Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop.

   Sometimes you gotta remind the hen who the rooster is.

   I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.

   I like to like things on facebook I don't like so I can unlike them.

   You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!

   When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml

   I got accepted into my freinds "Recipie Exchange" here on facebook. I'm gonna start posting lots of pictures of Road Kill for my ingredients!

   Only with my mother could me saying "getting old sucks" be heard as "getting oral s*x".

   I pretend to work.They pretend to pay me.

   I wear knit hats because its cold outside, you wear knit hats because of Coldplay

   i don't understand why people fly virgin airlines, why would you want to fly on an airlines that doesn't go all the way