Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "That song is old." "OH! I'm Sorry B!tch, I didn't know there was an expiration date on music."

   Jealous because my couch gets more a$$ than I do.

   I do not like this Sam I Am. I do not like this Facebook scam. I do not like the new news feed. I do not like it, no indeed. I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's weird, so let me make myse

   A complicated relationship is when the Queen of mixed signals hooks up with the King of idiots.

   would it not be awesome if that crashing nasa satellite finds that piece of human garbage casey anthony and squishes her on the toilet

   It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts

   Never blow your nose while sitting on the pot, ignorance is bliss.

   went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands

   Gotta love Ben & Jerry's and their unique ice cream flavors. But their latest flavor, "Schweddy Balls", is leaving a bad taste in some conservative moms' mouths.

   Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!

   Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.

   Beer commercials never show anyone drunk. Not after a divorce, being fired or losing a child in a tragic loose trophy shelf accident.

   *Food hits ground* Germ: “GET IT!!!” King germ: “No, you have to wait at least 5 seconds!”

   I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect

   My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.

   How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. Why? COS IT JUST DOES OKAY......!!!!!!!!

   Holding ALT and pressing F4 will fix all of your facebook problems...Your Welcome :)

   changed my relationship with Facebook to "Its complicated"

   Please everyone..don't forget to let everyone know when you take a crap. Facebook wants us to know EVERYTHING about each other :/

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Ermm....Is there an Incomplete version?