Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.

   I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.

   Aaaaaahhhhhh.....Friday.....time for the Beer-Goggle Olympics. But be careful single peeps, 'cuz once the sun comes up, you COULD find yourself in a bad horror movie. WHOOP!! Have a GREAT weekend!!

   Real friends share the same enemies.

   FYI - If you find bit of the satellite, you have to call the police and someone from NASA (prob Bruce Willis) will come over to collect it, apparently!......

   I just saw Tom from MySpace on Google +... You know the site sux when the sites creator hauls a$$!

   If Starbucks delivered, the world would be a better place!

   hoping for the falling satellite to hit the entire cast of Jersey Shore.

   Hey guy's, don't forget to clear your browser history every 5 minutes just in case that satellite hits you......

   On a scale of 1-10 I give this day a middle finger

   Unfollow, Unfriend, & Delete are the Stop, Drop & Roll safety instructions when it comes to the internet's most annoying people.

   if NASA scientists are so smart, why didnt they pay attention to physics...what goes up must come down

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is repealed, is it okay to admit I like the song "Drops of Jupiter?"

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   I wonder if the people that voted for Obama are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol?

   Put on clean whitie tighties...Check. What other falling satellite preparations should I be making??.....

   Never smoke weed and go to a Catholic Mass. It's a pretty long service, you'll get the munches, and end up trying to take communion like 6 times.

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.