Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

   "Do I smoke?" Only when I'm on fire. Which happens much less often now that I've cut back on the whole Tequila and fireworks combo.

   That one minute party you have when the teacher leaves the room

   If it's foggy out and you are driving without your headlights on, I pray you don't find a "good" parking space this holiday season.

   "theres plenty of fish in the sea"...apparently I'm looking where bp had an oil spill cause all I find is dirty ones

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

   Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night and told the locals that one but the locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 18 and I'm 27. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

   I swear my ex girlfriend has weekly workshops with the devil. I just don't know how much he pays her.

   12 gold hoops, 11 fake uggs, 10 richmond kingsize, 9pm curfew, 8 snotty noses, 7 different dads, 6 grams of sniff, 5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen rims, 3 ASBOs, 2 many beers and a brand new S.T.D.

   "Hump Day" is a crock! I haven't been laid on a Wednesday since 2007!

   I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass.

   smaller the breasts, better the eye contact

   FACEBOOK" The second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”...

   When people ask for candy I'm eating, I give them the flavor I don't like.

   Was that lightning?" Nooo... they're taking pictures for google earth

   Whenever I wait behind a door to scare someone, they always take too long to come, so I leave disappointed.

   Just found my child-hood Etch-a sketch. My first lap-top.

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.