Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Help control the pet population, eat at a Chinese restaurant this weekend.

   okes about dyslexia are as easy as A, C, B.

   One of my daughter's just asked, "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

   Got a call from a Telemarketer, he said he couldn't understand me. I TOLD HIM PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH AND HUNG UP

   Word of the Day: Philantropath (noun). A psychopath masquerading as a philanthropist. (See: Bill Gates).

   Did anyone ever consider Maybe the Day doesn't like being Seized ?

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   Do you think that Chinese tourists that come here are disappointed when they buy a souvenier and then see where it was made?

   It's wash day, and we're bringing the Maytag.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   The thing with older women is you never know whether you're in the vag or a wrinkle.

   Due to all that's been happening lately, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   What exactly is meant by a "Digital Creator"? Sharing the same boring memes we've all seen a million times?

   I don't know what I'd do without Instagram there to show me unrealistic photos of women I never see in day to day life.

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged is one thing. Inciting a mob to overthrow an election is another.

   There is more than one way to skin a cat but the cat doesn't like any of them.

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged just further proves that the elections are rigged.

   Marriage tip: Let me teach you about dishes. When you come down to the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, if you're the husband just ignore it! Just let them pile up higher and higher until your wife gets tired of seeing them and does them herself! ðŸ

   If a case the Clap spreads,wouldn't it be considered an outbreak of the applause?