Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you'll never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome.

   It is said that 1 in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I haven't yet figured out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

   Please wear your masks. It saved my friends life. He was having lunch with his girlfriend and his wife didn't recognize him.

   As an electrician, I always hated grounding my kids

   White trash go to the movies Just for the trailers

   Four people on Google give a restaurant a bad review so you won't eat there. But millions of people report bad side effects from a vaccination and you keep going back for boosters. And bringing your kids.

   I'm almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

   Ladies. Does listening to Taylor Swift songs actually help you deal with your tragic love lives?

   Here is some good free advice. When you see someone gorgeous, this is what I do. I just stare until I get tired, then I put the mirror down and go do something else.

   Forgive and forget? What do I look like? Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   I can relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is upset with you, simply tell her that you'll buy her some crayons if she wants to keep acting like a child. After hearing this, she will immediately reflect on her behavior and calm down.

   Dianne Feinstein has passed away. I think I'll have enchiladas for dinner.

   The Wicked Witch of the West said it best: What a world, what a world

   I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"

   The female version of teabagging is called flapuccino.

   “Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

   To the thief who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy.

   Hey guys, lets confuse the girls..245/35R18

   9 years ago, my friend Mike came running from the room shouting “It’s a boy” with tears in his eyes. We never went back to Thailand.