Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Find the man strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!

   I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep bowling.

   Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

   Biden won because Don's a con.

   Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra. Now both arms are sore

   [Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

   My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

   I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

   me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.] person: take $6??

   What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

   Slow down Biden, you don't have the ruin the country your first week in office

   “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.

   I should have been a geologist. Everyday, I manage to hit a new rock bottom.

   The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.

   Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

   Dear Advertisers – white heterosexuals still use fabric softener, buy insurance and walk their dogs.