Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !

   Her: What sign are you most attracted to? Me: The Dunkin Donuts sign.

   Before there was Facebook and Twitter there was "As World Turns" and "The Days of Our Lives" for cusip.

   I think I’d rather be asleep than woke. They seem to be so unhappy

   I don’t need the Government to run my life. I can screw it up all by myself.

   When this Covid thing is over "is starting to sound like... "When the DALLAS COWBOYS win the Super Bowl"

   "When covid Is over" Is starting to sound like "when the Dealls Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

   Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?

   No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

   I made a belt out of herbs; what a waist of thyme.

   Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower

   And how does everyone feel about the cost of epipens and diabetes meds, Thanks Biden.. how you like me now?

   why doesnt James Bond Fart ine Bed? It would blow his cover

   I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

   Breaking news!! Biden overheard telling Dr Jill, that Executive Orders were like Lay's potato chips. He stated "They're so good, no one, can sign just one".

   was playing air drums to Rush in my car and lost a stick out the window. I had to change over to Def Leppard.

   Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

   Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

   Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict