Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   My angel sent from above. <3

   MARTHA ! You do have your medicare card. I don't blame you.

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a bum for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.

   My eight-year-old just asked me if Bingo was the name of the farmer or the dog. Now I am questioning everything I thought I knew about life.

   Lol lmao

   Okay, we got the message. The guy from 'Friends' died.

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   I'm not turning my clock back an hour on Nov 1st because seriously none of us need an extra hour of 2023.

   Dear Mr troll some cure disease in life some stop wars you have been able to destroy a fun site to visit. Maybe you can move out of nanas basement next.

   Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving day so that the self checkers can be with their families

   Massacre

   Being in a relationship is solving problems together; Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.

   Some of yall dressing y’all kids for red ribbon week then smoking a blunt after they go to school.

   ahahahahaH !nothing at ... awesome you're think I that you tell to just trouble this of all through go you made I (NOW READ BACKWARDS)

   I know SIX facts about you. 1.) You're on your phone or computer. 2.) You're reading this. 3.) You're still reading this. 5.) You didn't realize that I skipped #4. 7.) You're checking and now smiling. 8.) You didn't realize that I skipped #6.

   ab/2k[zhi6op7/vb Sorry, there was a spider on the keyboard, but it's dead now. Wait, gzfew!1;p9nmkxpxq Okay, now it's dead.

   Dear lady in line in front of me with six screaming kids under the age of ten. You see that box of condoms that magically appeared in your cart? YOU'RE WELCOME!