Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adam: oh look the McRib is back Eve: stop calling me that!!!

   Medical Tip: If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office... keep walking.

   We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

   Sorry I shot your minivan, but it's hunting season and it had antlers.

   Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Do Lions count Sheep befor they fall asleep

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   I asked my dentist "What will make my teeth whiter? He said "Try polish." I said "OK, Co sprawi, że moje zęby będą bielsze?

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   Has Missouri ever done a tourism ad with the slogan ‘Missouri Loves Company?’ If not, what is even the point of Missouri?

   November should have one more day because to me November 31st sounds real. NOT just because I wrote it on a cheque.

   Most problems can be solved with nudity

   OK. Who decided to call it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   My wife weighs a ton. She wanted to get her belly button pierced . She got a hitch.

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   I'm tired of winter! I want to fast-forward to complaining about how hot it is!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I left my heart in San Francisco. Last I heard it was living in Tent City with a pimp named Tiny Johnson.

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   Natalie woods told Robert Wagner, "You haven't got me wet in years", he said, "oh yeah, watch this".