Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Transginger. I don't have red hair, But I'll think could rock it.

   I smell pizza. I think I'm having a Little Seizure

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   Transgender

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   my name jeff

   a monkey

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   It's not the stab in the back that hurts you. It's when you turn turn around and see who's holding the knife.

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   Gen X. Living in the shadows of Baby Boomers, yet not as identifiable as Millennials. A generation of nothingness whose sole contribution to society is giving birth to Gen Z. Those annoying imbeciles.

   I rolled over too fast in bed and sprained my fat roll !

   My friend is single and middle-aged. I think she might be Catholic. Sorry, I mean cat-holic.

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   Whoppers all around for Martin Burger King Day.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved

   Chip clips are for quitters!

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?