Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I had the confidence of someone who puts the ziplock bag of food back in the fridge without distinctly hearing the clicks of the zipper

   Democracy is when 2 wolves and a sheep meet to decide who is for dinner. Liberty is when the sheep has a gun.

   Tip of the Day: Get your Drivers License picture taken when you're drunk, that way when you get pulled over and you're actually drunk, the cop will look at your picture and think you look normal.

   A School held a contest for 6th grade kids. the theme of the contest was, 'The Nicest Thing My Father Did For Me'.... The Winning kid said, "not wearing a condom...

   Enough with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

   Stop with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   The real power of a man… Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

   Question, If I sued someone for making me deaf, would a court grant me my hearing?

   Since we cancelled COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds...

   Woo hoo, camouflage condoms. They will never see me cumming.

   I was a little embarrassed today......Didn't find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

   Today is National Lobster day and I guess that makes it a good day to be a bit shellfish.

   it normal to be out of breath when eating three Burrito Supremes?

   My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

   when I donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

   A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire ~ the guy in front of me, apparently

   I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.