Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. “Would you please shut this Kamala Bishop, she Lysol the time.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it. It's spam.

   Jury Duty is where the government calls you when they want and says, "Hey Bro, we need you to solve a murder, here's $15.00."

   Affiliate belong to or Blog Website Just a FEW Clicks Away all for forgive start Today!

   Got the results of my history exam. Past.

   Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

   Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

   My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, maybe you’ll hit a billionaire’s rocket ship

   *on hold for over an hour That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

   I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

   My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.