Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds

   I was gonna cook alligator for dinner, but my stove is broken and all I have is a croc pot.

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   Do people actually believe in their ridiculous conspiracy theories, or are they just trolling?

   I'm worried less about who is vaccinated or not than I do about people wearing DEODORANT !

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?” I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

   Thanks to the words "dude", "bro", and "man", I haven't said my best friends name in 10 years.

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

   I used to be addicted to soap but don't worry, I'm clean now.

   I can;t afford the "Ring" doorbell so I use "honk" where friends pull up & honk their horn

   what does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the restroom? ....the pee is silent

   It has become crystal clear why he thinks Hun ter is the smartest person he knows.

   No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!

   Sometimes I open my mouth to speak and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse spill out.

   It's funny when a Athiest needs a prayer they will ask for one. But when a Christian asks for one, they will be the first to make fun.

   Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"

   Please donate to my gofundme to replace the laptop I threw across the room in anger after my last gofundme failed

   Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands