Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

   million dollar idea: worm dehorser

   My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32

   Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

   When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

   My milk crates bring all the boys to the yard, and they’re like “somebody call an ambulance!”.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

   Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

   I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

   Karate is a Japanese word that means "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   Texas...where covid-19 has better reproduction rights than women.

   Million Dollar Idea: Take the flood waters from the northeast and dump them on the fires in the west.

   Leaving your 5yo home alone in Florida is nothing. You can even kill them there and get away with it.

   Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

   All these photos of kid's first day going off to school. How come nobody posts photos of their kids off to their first day of summer school?

   The reality is that there is NO reasonable alternative to evolution in science. At least not a version of “science” which does not glean its facts from a book written thousands of years ago by primitive desert people.

   What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene.

   If I can survive seeing my mom google “best jeans for oddly shaped teens” I can survive anything.

   To many environmentally-friendly Facebook philosophers and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today