Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

   I can’t afford to see a chiropractor, so I just lie on my back and slide down the stairs like a cartoon.

   it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.

   My four favorite things are my boyfriend eating my sister and omitting commas.

   Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

   Me in my 20’s: Naive af. Me in my 40’s: Same af.

   Welcome to adulthood. You now try to tolerate people just enough to avoid needing to get the legal system involved.

   What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

   Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

   Kids, don't knock on my door saying 'trick or treat'. You better say 'chicken or beef' bcuz I'm handing out noodles.

   Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.

   Once I see friends walking around with virtual glasses on in a Meta world I'll be swallowing the blue pill.

   If I ever win $10,000,000 in the lottery, I'm going to donate a quarter of it to charity. I can live just fine on $9,999,999.75.

   Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

   As Facebook's rebranded itself as 'META', other entities will be following suit: Airlines: JETA Greece: FETA Prostitution: GETA Gambling: BETA Urologists: WETA Fisheries: NETA Animal Clinics: VETA Boob Jobs: TETA

   Some days you're the turd; some days you're the fly. I'm both every day. - Joe Biden

   Eat a handful of coffee grounds before seeing the dental hygienist. They love a challenge.

   I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

   Imagine the conversations between the fly on the wall and the elephant in the room after everyone leaves.

   In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.