Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Brace yourselves. Here come all the imbeciles to remind us that Veterans Day is for the living and Memorial Day is for the deceased.

   I'd rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.

   Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

   My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake and a hug as a greeting instead of the whole a$$ sniffing thing.

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue

   If there's someone to blame all your failures on, it might as well be Big Bird.

   My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   Haha I can see it now "pot stamps" for people that can't afford to buy their pot.

   When you get to be my age, older women interested in younger men are no longer classified as Cougars. Especially in my case. They're more like Laughing Hyenas.

   Irony: Justin Bieber starts selling weed and rapping. That still doesn't make his music worth listening to.

   Here's a fun math trick. Let's start with the number 100. Now take your age. If you believe anything that QAnon spews, subtract your age from 100. You now have your IQ.

   I just had a bowel movement that was more forced than the interview portion of Jeopardy.

   I preferred “meta” when it was attached to “mucil.”

   My dog brought me a stick he retrieved from over 150 yards away. That's pretty far fetched.

   These days when I say I’m “hittin it,” I’m talking about my pillow.

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   My friend Suzanne & I used to babysit her nephew Rocky after he was born. I remember when Rock was young. Me and Suzy had so much fun.