Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

   Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

   He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

   If you take a family photo on Thanksgiving, make sure you position your girlfriend on the end. That way it's easy to Photoshop her out of the picture if you need to later. - Follow me for more holiday tips.

   The Science is settled: Guns save lives.

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?

   Kyle cleared of all charges, about to exit court room. Judge yells out. "Hey Kid!" Kyle turns around. "You forgot this" tosses him his AR-15. Credits roll. Eye Of The Tiger plays. . .

   Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

   Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done Also I have no idea how tampons work

   The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

   Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

   If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can predict the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did that, said "Oh I'm gonna die" and then did.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   Why can't we let Kyle Rittenhouse go and put the Prosecutors in Jail?

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...