Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Technology will cause our ultimate demise. After mankind destroys itself, the dawn of a new civilization will consist of its early inhabitants creating music by banging bones on logs and blowing their breath through hollow reeds.

   "Remove frozen pizza from box and plastic wrapper before placing in oven." (Oh wow, thanks, Red Baron instructions. I don't think I would have known to do that.)

   Sorry about that - Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

   Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

   A friend rubbed tomato ketchup on his eyes.In Heinz sight , it wasn't a good idea.

   Omicron is an anagram for Moronic. They are straight up messing with us at this point.

   Oh, so you're preparing turkey again for Christmas? Twice in one month. Kudos to you. I'm overwhelmed by your imagination.

   If you haven't hit a woman, then you obviously haven't dated a woman who had to be hit !

   All the smart people sold their soul for knowledge.

   I wonder how much it cost to pay off Michigans referees

   Have you ever looked at someone and thought 'shut the hell up'... and they weren't even speaking...

   A drink called KenoshaKid - what's it made of? A chaser followed by three shots.

   For extra cash, consider robbing sex offenders. Their addresses are easy to find and they can't own guns.

   I cut down my own Christmas tree this year. My neighbor isn't very happy about it because it was in his yard.

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit.

   I have 3 Brazilian Wax Appointments for Tuesday afternoon. Inbox me for time. ❤️

   I’m not wishing anyone a Happy Thanksgiving, I hope your gravy gives you diarrhea.😜

   It's true that when you open a parachute it pulls you back up. One time I accidentally opened a parachute inside my house and it dragged me right up through the ceiling.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite-Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my Will and Testament.

   Ladies, Here is your reminder to put your good yoga pants in the washer so they're ready for Thanksgiving tomorrow