Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   I see…. and is the “Orange Man” in the room with us right now?

   My birthday is coming up in less than a year. Just sayin'

   "Be yourself"? Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna be someone else! Because that's who I am! Wait... What?

   Vegans have an issue with killing animals, but are a-ok when it comes to abortion.

   Each family member of a gunned down individual gets 24 hours with the culprit, they can't kill him, but they are allowed to water-board him, jam bamboo under his fingernails, you get the idea....Deterrent

   Please be careful. You may have Monkeypox and not realize it. You could be a-chimptomatic.

   I don't like to brag about expensive trips I go on but that last trip to the gas station really cost me.

   The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.

   Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.

   The Monkeypox vaccine will only be available in suppository form.

   Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.

   When she tries to pull your pants down on the first date.

   Her: how could you sleep with her!? Him: uh, she’s hot? Her: You didn’t think about me in any of this? Him: I thought about you the whole time so I wouldn’t nut early.