Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

   I bought my husband a chair but the state won't let me plug it in.

   All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

   Ever wonder what it feels like being Putin? Try my three-bean salad.

   Women who get their belly button pierced need to hang an air freshener to it.

   Cougars talk a good game until you get them in bed and it's all "Don't push my legs back too far." OK Paulette.

   When this pandemic is over I still want some of you to stay away from me.

   Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

   Turbo Tax is the worst computer game ever.

   Just noticed I shaved really unevenly, but it should be okay...I don't think I'll be taking my pants off in this grocery store again.

   I took lessons from a half-wit and held onto it all.

   Buzz Aldrin is kind of narcissistic. I saw him giving a speech and he said, "I am the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."

   If you are a new waiter at a Chinese restaurant does that make you the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   Dude with a 2 x 4 tonight said he was gonna beat the stupid out of me,I told him to come back with a bigger stick

   Being single be like, "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (Thanks, I feel so special.)

   The more money you make, the more it costs to make it.

   I don't know about you, but Ef-Az-Zzee's "impregnate" comment really creeped me out.

   If two people love each other nothing is impossible. Except deciding where to eat.

   Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

   If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now