Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

   I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

   I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

   *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don’t think flipping the bird means what you think it means.

   This ashes to ashes dust to dust thing is why I always carry around a can of Lemon Fresh Pledge with me.

   Pfizer Claims Its Covid Vaccine Effective Against Nuclear Reaction Too.

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   I don't care how obese Trump is, I want his mushroom deep inside me.

   Are yall gonna watch Biden and the state of delusion address

   can't believe I'm finally done.. wait I'm kidding!

   I grilled a chicken for two hours, but I couldn't get it to sing.

   I miss the days when people’s biggest concern was Marilyn Manson.

   I really don't understand some people. They tell everyone to think for themselves and have your own freedom, yet they like bring told what to do by a fat, orange man. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

   It really sucks being in your late 30's early 40's. Last month I just coughed the wrong way, and my back went out for a week.

   Every other countries policy: you don't work, you don't eat! USA policy: you work, you don't eat!

   Happy birthday to Kmart. And as always, thank you for the awesome suits.

   Number one Pick Up Line for 2022: “I have a full tank of gas.”

   Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

   I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

   The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.