Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol.

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start

   Things that interrupt sex: 20s: drunk roommate walks in on you 30s: kids walk in on you 40s: spouse walks in on you 50s: foot cramp

   The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

   I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

   I checked with Kelly Blue Book to see how much my car was worth. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty.

   How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

   Taco Bell is the only place where you can still get gas for $1.39.

   "You can take my car! Just don't take my gas! - Me, to a carjacker.

   Our toes look nothing like that – Camels

   Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

   My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

   Dear Walgreens: Please stop putting diarrhea medicine on the bottom shelf. -Everyone

   I filled up my car and it showed up on my credit report.

   Just saved alot of Money on my Car Insurance by fleeing the Scene of the Accident.

   sometimes when i'm drunk I choose the Chinese option on the ATM to challenge myself.

   If history repeats itself........I'd like to buy myself a dinosaur....

   Does anybody know how can I send an "enemy" request on FB?

   Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.

   Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I still have 4 1/2 hours of work left.