Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

   I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

   Does anyone find it the least bit curious that those ghay pedophiles known as priests live in a place called a rectory?

   Hey gurl, speaking of lickity split, whatcha doin later...

   You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

   Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

   I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

   I'm sure my neighbors are up to something. Every time I get my binoculars out they close their curtains.

   I grew up in the mid 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

   I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager.

   One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

   Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

   Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

   I eat twice as much meat just so that one vegan who thinks he is making a difference is making no difference at all.

   I don't know much of what happened in Judge Jackson's confirmation, but I do know she did not cry and said she liked beer.

   Now, show me on the doll where Hunter Bidens Laptop touched you...

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   You may be the sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

   My anger management class pisses me off...