Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Love octopus. cooked right they are very tasty, Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   Will Smith told Chris Rock to keep his wife's name out of his GD mouth. (But her poosy would be okay.)

   Maybe Will Smith thought Chris Rock was an alien?

   Netflix set to air GI Jane, starring Jada and Will Smith.

   If Jada Smith can't take a joke over Alopecia then that's hair loss.

   So what you're saying is there won't actually be a remake of GI Jane?

   After two separate leg injuries to myself this evening, my lounge coffee table now identifies as Courtney Stubtoe-Ouch.

   🎶 I got in one little fight and my mum got scared, 🎶 she said You can't slap Chris Rock because your wife has no hair.

   After watching the Oscars, I now get why cops do what they do.

   "Insult my wife one more time and I'll lick your other ball" - Ted Cruz

   Talk like a drunken Irishman and say "Whale Oil Beef Hooked."

   I'm so pumped for Trump University 2: University of Truth. Registration starts today!

   Will Smith did what Ted Cruz could not do: Defend his wife's honor.

   I would say that Will Smith hits like a girl, but then I am not a biologist.

   Dear Brandon: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger..

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

   I don't get why people pay $400 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is a lot better.

   Tornado season is here...In the event of a tornado, put some hotdogs in your pocket. That way the search dogs will find you first.

   Me: sneezes Microchip in my left arm: Bless you.