Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   So we don't know what a woman is but we know they get paid less than men.

   If sleep is important, then why does school start so early?

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 300 years.

   I bought some new white speedos yesterday for summer and the automated voice screamed, "unexpected item in bagging area".

   I tried bringing sexy back today at Walmart but the lady assured me I didn't get it there.

   who decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ?

   If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

   My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

   michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

   I have a friebd that is both gay and lactose intolerant, I call him the non dairy queen

   Imagine how screwed Chris Rock would have been if all the other guys banging Jada Pinkett rushed the stage too!

   It takes a lot of guts to be an organ donor.

   If Jada has a problem with jokes about alopecia, that's hair loss.

   Call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

   Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?

   April Fools Day is coming up. Look for lots of articles about global warming.

   Does anyone know if we can take showers yet? Or should we just keep washing our hands

   My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

   I Love octopus. cooked right they are very tasty, Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.