Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   They say you can't turn a Ho into a housewife, but thanks to Only Fans , you can turn a housewife into a Ho . 😉

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   In relationship with you in a picture

   First post

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!

   Math back in the day: 2x+4=10. Find X Math today: If Karen buys 16.5 hamsters, but four of them eat each other, and two spontaneously combust, how many carrots will it take for them to shut up and let me sleep?

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   I'm at that age where I know where babies come from, but still need someone to explain that song "My Milkshakes" to me.

   Some people eat bananas for the shape and it shows

   Instagram. The wonderful world of women with daddy issues and father figure complexes.

   It's funny how the order of Facebook's reaction Emojis are most relationships from the beginning to the end.

   A gay gloryhole is basically “ take a cawk or leave a cawk”

   Life is like peeing up a drain pipe, it all comes back to you.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   Inside every female body builder, is a man wanting to get out.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.