Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

   Friendship is being there when someone is feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A private tutor.

   What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

   What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

   Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, Please do not go in that bathroom.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and my dog enjoys it too.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He's been divorced 3 times..Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his damn rod.

   I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there's now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

   I'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world!

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my old prom dress.

   If it was the other way around, I highly doubt one cat would take in 20 old ladies.

   Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Floods, Hurricanes, Tsunamis etc are considered Acts of God. What a nice guy!

   Dear Microsoft Word, I’m pretty sure I spelled my name correctly.