Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes, so they can send pallet loads of cash to corrupt countries, while you hit the same pothole driving to work every day.

   Welcome to Disney, where dreams we approve of come true.

   How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

   How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

   My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

   Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

   Dear Federal Government gun buyback program : I have performed a background check on you , and Based on your history of violence and atrocities , I cannot sell you a gun.

   There have been a lot of snake sightings. You might also check in your phone contacts as well...

   When she got a boyfriend but she wanna know ya name ~ side nigggaa

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   If you put trash in your pocket to avoid littering, you’re going to heaven.

   My dad fully dressed all day. My dad when one of my friends come over ~ (in his underwear)

   He said he’d call me back in 30 minutes, it’s been 33. I just can’t deal with his lies anymore.

   #whoremembers ~ If you read that as whore members, we’re probably friends.

   Bucket list: Extra crispy, a side of cheesy fries and whipped cream gravy.

   Dont blame me. I voted for Trump.

   I have an assignment to translate a classic English poem into Spanish. So far I've come up with: Frijoles, frijoles, la fruta del musico. El mas usted consuma, el mas usted sonada breve.

   Seek immediate attention for erections lasting longer than CNN+.

   I wonder if people paying $300 for a Colon Cleanse even know about the new $4.99 Taco Bell deal?

   Never in the history of Calm Down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.