Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one sees what you see, even if they see it too.

   Spell your crush’s name backwards ~ Dnufer Xat

   If he drinks his whiskey straight, he’ll do that thing you like.

   Ladies, love your man like them bi!ches in your head do.

   When a woman laughs during an argument, the psycho part of her brain has just been activated. Abort mission.

   Cat ~ I showed you my butthole, please respond.

   Never treat a Lady like an object, it hates that.

   It’s called Karma, and it’s pronounced ~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

   When you’re alone, the outside world is moving along without you. You’re also moving along in your own world, without them.

   To mix things up, take her wig off and put it on your head.

   People who think men can get pregnant are suddenly concerned about misinformation on Twitter if Elon owns it.

   If gas prices get any higher, I'm gonna have to file for 'tank-ruptcy

   tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   When I was a kid, I had a rich friend whose snooty mom was too classy to buy Hamburger Helper. She bought Ground Beef Assistant.

   No one takes swearing under oath seriously these days. What a slap in the face to God.

   Listening to Johnny Depp talk is like watching a turtle wade though quicksand.

   Go ahead and get that tattoo, your family is already disappointed.

   Dog: You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and you feel so bad about it that you can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day? Cat: no.

   My cat taught me that you can get whatever you want, if you’re completely annoying.