Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

   It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.

   According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

   There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

   Anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron.

   Are you from Mississippi? Because you're the only miss whose piss I'd sippi

   Not only did Benjamin Franklin discover electricity, he was also our greatest president.

   Just when I am about to give up hope for society, I see a little old lady smile and give up her seat for a pregnant man.

   When all else fails, there’s always delusion.

   When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

   Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.

   Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

   When Jill whispers in Joes ear she hears an echo.

   I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

   The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

   I think humans are smarter than fish. If you were walking down the street and there was a Bic Mac hanging on a hook would you just start eating it?

   True or False: The people who are the most delusional about how great they think their state is are from New Jersey.

   OK. Whose bright idea was it to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?