Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Food is my favorite F-word.

   Hide inside your friend’s toothpaste tube to give them a mysterious minty fresh surprise.

   With you, may the fourth be — Yoda

   Strong with this fourth day of may, the force is — Yoda

   lol, did anyone actually read Exodus 21? Take a read and feel dumb.

   AOC should read Exodus 21: 22-25 in the Bible to show how wrong she really is.

   In other news… Elon Musk is now going to also buy McDonald's so he can fix all the ice cream machines.

   If your IQ is 35 but you think it’s 220, you’re probably a moron.

   I realized how non-materialistic I am. To me, a step up the social ladder isn't a new car, house, or clothes... it's the rare occasion when I line the waste paper basket in the bathroom with a Target bag instead of one from Wal-Mart.

   I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

   If you think about it, The Kentucky Derby is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   Just might make a career change....I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get my arse home'

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple twice for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   I told my boss today I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   I was surprised to learn that Elon Musk was from South Africa. I figured he would be from Mad-at-gas-car...

   “Fact Checkers” didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   Brain: Don’t press send! Heart: But, we’re in love. Brain: We only met her yesterday!

   Her: I have ovaries. Him: Is that why you ovary act?