Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.

   Stop looking for your soulmate and start looking for your soul, mate.

   Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.

   Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”

   When your girl butt dials you, but all you hear is trap music and slurping sounds.

   I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain’t one.

   If a 16-year old wants to adopt a child, she's not allowed by the government. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the financial means to raise a child. But if she gets pregnant.....how does that make sense?

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   Hold my beer and watch this.

   Tried to hide a pill in a block of cheese and my dog suddenly became Gordon Ramsey.

   Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

   Life Hack: If you can’t afford a psychologist, just get a haircut instead.

   Roses are lame, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.

   Day 1152 without you: I tried kissing my own neck last night.

   Why can’t there be a virus that makes people smarter.

   People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

   Some people need to avoid touching two faces.

   Landline phones never get destroyed in washing machines.

   At the end of my appointment, the doctor took his own blood pressure.