Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

   Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted.

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   It's a good thing we still have 26 million acres of leases that haven't been tapped yet.

   I might not be the dumbest guy in the world... (well, as long as he stays alive.)

   Don’t take your kids to Disney World this summer, they don’t deserve your money or your support.

   Gas prices hit a new record high and Biden cancelled lease sales for oil and gas on more than a million acres on the same day.

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Founding Fathers: Here’s the First Amendment. Oh, and in case someone tries to take that away, here’s the Second Amendment.

   Coffee: More than four cups and you can talk to electricity.

   When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.

   Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

   “You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy you would bang his woman.

   There are two kinds of people when you explain that all drugs should be legal.

   You didn’t think the left would give up their thought police monopoly without a fight, did you? ~ Feds open investigation into Elon Musk.

   Truth ~ only visible to those who question everything that they have been taught to believe.

   There are two kinds of nerds: May the force be, - equal to mass times acceleration.

   Han Solo: Han open carries, hates trade regulations, tax fees and Imperial overreach. Be like Han.

   Me: My 401k is crushed I can’t afford food or gas. Biden: (licking ice cream cone) “Best economic recovery in history, Jack.”

   Being yelled at by a self-checkout machine is so humiliating. Everyone can hear you getting lectured by a little robot.