Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being sarcastic on a regular basis can add up to three years to your life.

   Audit finds half of Joe Biden’s Twitter followers are fake.

   Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.

   We now have reason to believe Biden ripped the tag off his mattress in 1987.

   Tried to spoon a tall girl once and felt like a backpack.

   If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.

   Never forget where you came from, because that’s probably where you left your phone.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   oglondam anime uwu

   Tinder is for rookies. Go to Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. This will show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

   The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.

   “The real president is whoever controls the teleprompter.” ~ Elon Musk

   There once was a couple Depp and Heard, in who’s bed they discovered a turd. They beat each other up, without a prenup, and did drugs that they preferred.

   A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

   There once was a chap named Joe Biden, some think he’s as old as Poseidon. His panicking staff, locked the lord of the gaffe, in a basement where he is still hidin’.

   Then the son asked his dad, “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

   I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but they still get in.

   Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

   Please stop asking the universe to send you the most amazing and beautiful person in the world. I cannot be everywhere all at once.