Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

   When people got too hammered in the 70s: “He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, yesterday I saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   California Girls but when you're being microwaved

   The kids keep laughing about my memory. they won't be laughing to long when there's no eggs under the tree.

   Every time there's a massive Powerball jackpot I'm a winner, by not playing and saving $2.

   So musk owns twitter. Does that mean a Tesla will tweet where you parked?

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering.

   How am I supposed to explain Daylight Savings Time to my neighbors dog?

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   If you think cow farts are making hurricanes stronger, you might be watching to much CNN.

   I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even? thanks

   An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested in New Jersey over the weekend. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

   there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing by not sounding fat?

   Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

   The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

   Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

   PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating