Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P boiled water, you will be mist.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   When you put an even number of socks in the washer but take an odd number out, that's because one of them ran away. And when you see a wet sock in a storm drain, that's one who tried but didn't make it.

   When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I'm no longer young.

   Doing my spring cleaning, which is very similar to my winter cleaning which kind of resembles my autumn cleaning that's very much like my summer cleaning, but in the spring time.

   Many people think that Tuesday Weld is named after the second day of the week. But if that was true her name would be Monday Weld.

   A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

   If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

   6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

   Got kicked out of the secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

   Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll try to use it.

   Need some advice? Go read a book, read several, it’s free. You’re welcome.

   When you’re condemned daily, yet you continue because you’re as dense as a mud flap.

   Please explain again your loathing for woman but want desperately to become one. We find you utterances disturbing yet intriguing.

   Hold fast friends, the developmentally challenged cream puff would like to submit another unintelligible contribution.

   Anyone know when the monkeypox stimulus checks hit?

   Remember this: Johnny Depp is a superior actor over Amber Heard. This also applies to courtroom direct and cross examinations.

   Rockville: A butt load of 3rd rate bands that would have never attained the low level of success they've achieved if it weren't for the internet.

   Excuse me while I exponentially click like on my posts that I steaI.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.