Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.

   Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.

   I know it was months ago, but I still don’t like how you all acted over toilet paper.

   The .50 caliber handgun, when there’s a burglar behind a refrigerator at your neighbor’s house.

   Busch beer came out with a bone broth beer for dogs. I’m in!

   If you don’t have time to pull over and fight, don’t honk your horn at me.

   Certified freak seven days a week…. Wet a** opossum just walking down the street.

   Movie Theater: No outside food or drinks. Me: Burger King Whopper and fries jammed in my coat pocket.

   Look son, rioters, arsonists and looters are here to teach us about peace and equality.

   Don't honk at me asshole, I'm not on my phone. I missed the light change because I was trying to get that last french fry at the bottom of the box. 🍟 😒

   If one went to ISIS controlled Iraq as a missionary to convert them to Christianity, would you be executed for blasphemy? Or, would you get your hand cut off for stealing..

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my 20's

   Nothing beats a good mistake.

   Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home, they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   Unless you’re a monkey, you need not worry about Monkeypox.

   Fauci recommends stopping spread of Monkeypox by covering eyes, ears and mouth.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

   It’s ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.