Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.

   Life is like soccer, you can either use your head or use a good swift kick.

   Trying to breathe quietly while walking uphill, so bystanders don’t hear me fighting for my life.

   Trojan is a terrible name for condoms. They’re basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, then broke open and thousands of little guys poured out and messed up everyone’s day.

   Our institution is a greedy piglet that suckles the taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

   Raising a teenager is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses at you whenever you try to be nice to it.

   Dear June, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just come in, sit down, don’t touch anything and keep your mouth shut.

   What I do not realize is actually how you're not really a lot more well-preferred than you may be right now. You're very intelligent. You know therefore considerably in the case of this topic, produced me for my part believe it from numerous numerous angl

   Wish me luck guys, I am interviewing tomorrow for a new job at Old McDonald's Farm for the C-I-E-I-O position.

   In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

   Far more deadly than any gun is the human brain. Will they make brains illegal soon? Some of you don’t need to worry about that.

   Cognitive Dissonance ~ Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they’re presented with evidence against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.

   If you could travel in time, show up at the appropriate moments throughout history and smother heinous characters’ in their cribs, would you do it?

   Gaslighting ~ people who try to control others through manipulation will often accuse you of behaviors that they are engaged in themselves. A classic manipulation tactic ripped right from the leftist playbook.

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up not knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.

   Head locked in gridlock, oozing through Flanders White kicker magic plants poppies of remembrance Popeye remembers a cycloptic monster 23 years late, 23 years late.

   We will never create enough laws to control evil. Evil does not obey laws.

   Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.