Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, a little chubby, up all night / sleeps all day, will fight you, possibly rabid.

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.

   I went and inputted all my medical symptoms in on WEB MD. And it turns out I have Gary Busey .

   If universal background checks and red flag laws create an insurmountable barrier to you owning a firearm, then you are the person we are worried about

   The phrase "I've got gas", used to be met with disgust. Nowadays, it's met with envy.

   I was married for so long I almost forgot how to pick up fat chicks, then I remembered. It's a peice of cake!

   Anyone else find it funny that all these "Why does the military only get one day" people only say it during june? Never during any of the other 11 months

   If they could only do as much for the veterans that they do the gays I would be impressed, but only then.

   It's pretty bad when you have to have HIV testing at your parade. What type of pride is that?

   Do deaf schizophrenics still hear voices in their heads?

   I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so today I parked and went inside to get donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

   Crushed feelings emergency kit: Contains one tiny violin, one stick remover (also works for corn cobs), one box of tissues, one pacifier, cookies & milk, how to scroll past things you don’t like instruction tutorial, and a sense of humor.

   Comedy died out a few years back because too many people were being offended by it.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   This is not just a silly grin on my face, it’s a highly educated one.

   The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject.

   Just because it’s a bad idea does not mean it won’t be a good time.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of booze out of them at the office meeting.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.