Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to adopt a dog and call him Peeve. He'll be my pet, Peeve.

   Tonight I will be visited by 3 "Spirits"............. Rum, Vodka, and Gin.

   Oh! Oh! Oh!" ~Dyslexic Santa

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

   Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

   For a generation who can't find a "good man" you ladies sure are pregnant a lot.

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   Every year, my Christmas list begins with "Dear Santa, my sisters did it. But I have been very good this year, because I'm an angel!

   Dogs be like, "I can eat that whole cake in return for getting smacked on the ass with a newspaper? I'm goin' in!"

   I looked up lighters on Ebay and all I could find was 13,749 matches.

   I'm still a rock star I tell myself as I heal from a finger sprain caused by opening a jug of milk !

   You know Its bad when you give them a custom ringtone LOL

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   I got an email today from a bored local housewife who said she was looking for some "hot action." So I sent her the ironing

   Question, Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

   Cops have new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy Pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?

   Terraria has awoken

   If someone throws you to the wolves, come back leading the pack.

   I'm a Trust Fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself.